Finding your power in the unknown
It feels surreal to wake up every day overflowing with energy, with love pouring inside out, while at the same time living through one of the scariest, most uncertain, and humbling chapters of my life. I have no idea what’s coming next, but I’m walking with my arms open for life. I don’t have much on my name, but I have never felt more grateful for what I have. I’ve never taken so much care of myself.
When I moved to Berlin at the start of July this year, I felt overwhelmed by the chaos, the grunge, the sheer diversity, those very things that the city is well known for all around the world. Some people love it, some people hate it. Me and Tiago were more leaning into hating it, at least at the start. Mind we were coming from a chill beach town in New Zealand. Just imagine.
We were lucky to find a beautiful two-floor apartment in a small neighborhood quite far from the city center. It’s about 25 minutes by bike from the center, so not far, but far enough to feel quiet. The area is simple and humble, mostly residential, with not much going on. Within a few minutes’ walk we’ve got the metro, many many many kebab shops, an “anything you need, anytime” store, a veggie stand, an extra cutie pie flower shop, and a bakery straight out of the ‘70s. That’s about it. Oh, and a pizzeria that makes terrible pizza, we’ll never go eat there.
From the window of our bedroom in Berlin.
Since I quit my job in Amsterdam at the end of last year, I decided to try building my own business and spent the summer working with a few clients. Now in Berlin, I work from home on my laptop. Not ideal, because I love being around people and working with a team, but at this stage of my life it feels liberating, and honestly, natural. I do what I do because I love it: it excites me, keeps me curious, keeps me motivated. Of course, there are plenty of challenges I face every day, but I play by my own rules. For me, the problem was never how high I had to jump, it was the freedom in the jumping, and, most of all, the ability to set my own goals.
I’ve realized I carry a pretty strong ethical and moral compass. I have a vision, and I want to do things my way, not because I think I know better than others (quite the opposite, actually), but because it feels real, it feels right to me. I like having agency. I came into this world as I am, with a gift to give, and I see my biggest responsibility as uncovering and developing that gift so I can offer something back. I don’t want to just take, take, take, the job, the salary, the nice apartment, the dress, the dinner at the fancy restaurant, extracting all I can from the system while only thinking of myself.
I’ve found a sense of peace in holding my own hand along the path I chose for myself. I’m taking responsibility, for my life, for my decisions, for the role I play in society, for the good I choose to do and the good I choose not to. I’m in charge. I don’t let other people’s opinions dictate my journey, even though I learn a lot through confrontation and challenge. I don’t let the “easy answer” dictate my journey. I don’t let the fear of rejection dictate my journey. I came here to be who I am, and there’s a reason for that. No second guessing. Take it, keep it, protect it, for the rest of your life.
Years ago, a man once told me: “with your dreams come responsibilities.” The way he said it, it sounded as if following your dreams was naive, even a little foolish, in the end you don’t really wanna end up with all “those responsibilities”, right? That comment stayed with me for years, and now I understand why. The thing is, responsibility does not arise as a consequence of following the dream, I believe it comes first. When you choose to take responsibility for your life, following your dreams becomes rather inevitable. And it doesn’t have to mean becoming the CEO of a multinational. It’s simply about being honest with yourself, and taking actions that align with who you are. And if that means gardening, well, then gardening it is.
Things have shifted in my life also because I no longer have the energy to invest into something that doesn’t follow the rule of reciprocity. I can’t walk into rooms that don’t feel right anymore. I can’t spend time on tasks I don’t truly care about and that, in absolute terms, don’t serve my journey. I’m tired of people who are not able to listen. I’m tired of people who can’t speak up, can’t step onto the stage. I don’t mean a huge arena, not a stadium of half a million. I mean the stage of their own life. Our small, fleeting, fragile life.
Yes, we’re not special. We’re just silly humans doing life, we’re not superheroes, we’re not chosen ones. That realization changed my approach to living. If I’m not special, then there’s no pressure to be someone. No pressure to prove anything. I found there’s something powerful in that humility. When you let go of being “special,” you naturally open up space to become more creative, more playful, more real. Because while we may not be special, what we do with our lives, what we feel, create, and share, can be. We’re here to experience it all, to move through life with honesty and intention, to fully play with it. That playfulness makes life richer, fuller. And in the end, it allows you to be who you truly are, with all the authentic success that comes with simply living that truth.
I look at fear and let trust in. Fear is human, we all feel it. We don’t always need to be afraid, but sometimes we land there anyway. And that’s okay. If we can hold onto the belief that life will unfold as it should, we realize the only moment we truly control is now. And in the now, most fears don’t survive. If you’re in the middle of the desert with a lion on your knees, then yes, fear will persist. But if you’re lying in bed about to fall asleep, fear has no real reason to stay there.
I used to look at the uncertainty that shaped, and still shapes, my life as a weakness. I wished I had answers, wished I could lay out my perfectly planned plans. Then ONE DAY… Ahah naaaa, there’s no ONE DAY… Just a slow shift, a gradual embrace of the power that comes with not knowing. Because when you don’t have the answer, the only thing left to do is ask questions. And when you start being investigative about life, about yourself, about what the heck you’re even doing here, that’s when you start creating your path, finding your own flavors. Life becomes more fun!
So, just in case you’re there, I’m glad you don’t have any ready answer yet. You’ve got full access to the playground.
